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Table of contents

Everyone wants to feel understood and have their troubles and opinions recognized.

Use this to turn hostility into friendliness. Next time you approach a disagreement with someone, take a moment to imagine yourself in their shoes. If you were that person:. People usually have two reasons for doing things -- one that sounds good, and the real one. A person will recognize on his own the real reason he does something.

Emotional Intelligence in Leadership - from

But all of us, being idealists at heart, like to think of motives that sound good. Take, for example, a landlord who had a tenant that decided he was going to break his lease four months early. The landlord could have handled the situation by pointing to their contract and listing all the consequences that would follow, but he instead had a talk with the tenant and said:.

I sized you up when I first met you as being a man of your word. Take a few days to think it over, and if you still intend to move, I will accept your decision as final. The result? The tenant concluded that the only honorable thing to do was to live up to his lease. Most people are honest and want to fulfill their obligations. In most cases, people will react favorably if we make them feel that we consider them honest, upright, and fair. For example, most people aim to be responsible, fair, wise, and diligent. We make games out of chores so our kids will play along and find it fun to pick up their toys when they get to make a pretend train around the playroom.

Carnegie tells a story of a salesman who walked into a grocery store, told the owner that he was literally throwing away money on every sale he was making, and threw a handful of coins on the floor.

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The sound of the coins dropping got the attention of the owner and made his losses more tangible, and the salesman was able to get an order from him. Find creative ways to use showmanship in presenting your ideas. Could you include a funny video in your presentation? Or begin with a dramatic statistic to underscore the importance of your message? Most people have an innate desire to achieve. Along with that desire often comes a fierce sense of competition - everyone wants to outdo others and be the best.

Frederic Herzberg, one of the great behavioral scientists, did a study of the work attitudes of thousands of people, ranging from factory workers to senior executives. He discovered that the one major factor that motivated people was the work itself. If the work was exciting or interesting, the worker looked forward to doing it. This is what every successful person loves: the game. We seek a chance for self-expression, a chance to prove our worth, to excel, to win.

What Is Emotional Intelligence?

When all else fails in motivating your employees or your children to do something, turn it into a game! Offer a reward to incentivize your sales reps to bring in the most revenue for the month, or tell your kids that whoever picks up the most toys gets to choose the restaurant they go to for dinner. For example, if a colleague writes a speech for a conference that we feel is too lengthy or inappropriate for that particular audience, we might start by complimenting her speech and noting that it would make for a great blog post. The key is an age-old technique called a 'criticism sandwich.

Then segue into the meat and potatoes: the criticism. Finally, and more importantly, part ways with another positive compliment. Most of us respond bitterly to direct criticism. It is much easier to listen to a description of our own faults when the person criticizing begins by humbly saying that he is also far from perfect. Carnegie gives an example of hiring his niece, Josephine, to be his secretary.

Josephine made many mistakes on the job, and though Carnegie was tempted to criticize her for her flaws, he took a step back and realized that he is twice as old as Josephine and has ten thousand times her business experience. How could he possibly expect her to have his same viewpoint and judgment? He realized that Josephine was performing better than he had been at her age. When he approached Josephine, he told her that she had made a mistake but goodness knows it was no worse than many that he himself had made. He noted that she was not born with judgment, that it comes only with experience, and that he had done many stupid things himself.

Your empathy wheels will start turning, and you'll realize that you have an opportunity to be a great mentor to this person. Try to be a positive influence. Think of yourself as your mentor instead off their boss, their friends instead of their parent. No one likes to take orders. What if, instead of telling people what to do, we gave them the opportunity to do things themselves, to learn from their own mistakes?

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But if we ask questions that give people the opportunity to correct errors themselves, we save their pride and give them a feeling of importance. Next time you are about to give an order to a child, spouse, or employee, resist the temptation to simply tell them what to do. Ask them questions that will help bring them to the conclusion that that is the best action to take, and will make them want to do it.

When we disagree with someone, even if we are right and he is definitely wrong, we only destroy his ego by causing him to lose face. Carnegie offers an example of an accountant whose business was mostly seasonal. As a result, every year he had to let a lot of employees go once the tax rush was over. He then decided to begin the conversation by instead telling each employee how valuable he or she had been to the organization, and pointing out specific qualities that he appreciated in them.

The employees walked away knowing that if the business had been able to keep them on, they would have, and they felt much better about themselves. When you have to deliver a decision or information that will cause negative feelings, think about how you can make the person feel good about himself first.

Avoid delivering negative feedback in front of others or setting up a situation that will be embarrassing for the person. Take a brief look back on your own life to this point. Can you think of a time when a few words of praise have had a hand in shaping the person you've become? One of the most powerful abilities we have is helping others realize their potential. We can do this by praising their strengths. Yet, this is something we do so infrequently.

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It's much easier to point out someone's faults. Even when it's tough to find things to praise, try hard to find something. We should also praise often. By noting even small steps and minor improvements, we encourage the other person to keep improving. We should also be specific in our praise. When praise is specific, it comes across as more sincere, not something we're saying just to make the other person feel good.

As they hit each milestone, or even as they put in the effort to make progress, offer specific and sincere praise on each gradual step they take. Carnegie offers an example of a mechanic named Bill whose work had become unsatisfactory. Instead of berating or threatening Bill, his manager simply called Bill into his office and told him:. Bill once again became a fast and thorough mechanic.

With the reputation his manager had given him to live up to, how could he not?

If You Want To Become An Influential Thought Leader, Live By These 3 Principles

If we tell our children, spouses, or employees that they are stupid or bad at a certain thing, have no gift for it, and are doing it all wrong, we strip them of any motivation to improve. Carnegie offers an example of a boy who was struggling with algebra. His father made flashcards for him, and every night his father would time him on how long it took for him to get all of the cards right.

Their goal was to do it in under eight minutes. The first night, it took 52 minutes. But every time he knocked off a few minutes - 48, then 45, 44, 41 - they would call in his mother and the three would celebrate and dance a little jig. This gave the boy the motivation to keep improving, and even made it fun, until he got so good that he hit his goal and did it in eight minutes. These smaller compliments can help make room for sharing guidance while keeping them inspired. The final key to being a leader and changing people without arousing resentment is to make the person happy about doing what we want them to do.

If you have an employee who struggles with a certain task, appoint her to be the supervisor for that task, and watch as she improves immediately. Offering incentives, praise, and authority are all great ways to make a person happily accept our decisions and do what we want them to do.